Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
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Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.