Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
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“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
ibopfufen
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.