There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
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[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.