You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Scream sneezers need love too.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?