Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
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Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
*pronounces patio like ratio
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.