Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
You Might Also Like
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️