Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
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Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.