I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
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Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I didn’t come here to be called names
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
“no gods no masters” = leo
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best