I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
You Might Also Like
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Jurassic park gets weird
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
some cats are just doing for fun!
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
omg leave her alone
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him