Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
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Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?