What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
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I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Sell your car
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
LOOOOOOL
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[shakes fist at other fist]