When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
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I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.