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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.