Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Customize Your Wedding.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.