Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
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Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I put the p in pants.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato