Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
no refunds
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
work smarter, not harder
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀