my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
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I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.