Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
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I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Legend 🤣🤣
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.