It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
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Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
We avoided this particular disaster
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”