Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
You Might Also Like
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.