My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
You Might Also Like
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Not today.. 😂
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.