Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.