the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.