me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
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A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.