Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
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Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
All generalizations are stupid.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee