GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
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first you must answer his riddles
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I am all good here, 😂😉
When the stylist spins you back around
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift