Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
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One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.