Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
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I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
This will never not be funny to me.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.