Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
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Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.