I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Spring of Deception
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.