“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
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Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now