Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
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My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous