Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
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[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?