It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
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Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani