“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
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‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Every work call, he judges.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Facebook Twitter
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.