Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
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Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!