Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
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Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool