I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
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my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job