If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I think I’ll stand
Doormats are a gateway rug.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!