Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
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[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
me when I see my crush
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture