waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
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Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
*pronounces patio like ratio