I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
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I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.