my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
You Might Also Like
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Why is everyone getting married at me
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.