Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
You Might Also Like
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
If only.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave