Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
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[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
me hooking up with my ex
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.