The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
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Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
There is wisdom there.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!