At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
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It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
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Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
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