If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
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Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
…u ok Nintendo?
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
car not found
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired