[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.