If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
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SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas